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Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
If you are having anxiety over something you`ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me:.... Mom:.... Me: Mother what`s important is that we have our health
I hate when I spend the extra money to buy organic vegetables only to get home and find out that I bought regular donuts.
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
I’m glad we can’t smell each other through the internet.
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.