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My last relationship was a lot like The Notebook. It felt like it lasted forever and we both wanted to die towards the end.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
Why is the jolly Green giant so damn jolly
It`s Sunday or as I like to call it, "No pants day".
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!