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I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
pudding... thats always a funny word
DO NOT LIKE THIS… Unless you’re a sexy beast.
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.
What`s wrong with having your mind in the gutter all the time?! If it weren`t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless!!!
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.