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There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
My password is SupermanHulkThorGoku, that`s the strongest password I can think of.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years. Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
I`m running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
If someone says you`re not a mermaid, don`t talk to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity in your life.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I`m going to visit.
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice