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The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
That`s a lot of selfies for someone that claims to be emotionally stable
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
No thank you, I don`t need a coaster. I won`t be putting my drink down.
Im convinced that one day we will all live in the future.
One dog was admiring another dog`s leash, and said, "I admire your restraint."
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.