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When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
Life would be so much better if throughout the day we encountered randomly placed Piñatas
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
So I was looking at my boyfriends facebook page and saw a ton of girls saying they love him. He`s obviously cheating on me. We are so over Zac Efron.
Yes I admit I am a freak. Now, grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"
I wish karma would send me email notifications.