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I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
My roommate is on a date and said he`s convinced she`s coming home with him tonight. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
he who laughs last thinks slow
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.