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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Hunting is easier for vegans because itโs easier to sneak up on plants.
My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
Please pay me in cash. I`m not trying to hide money from the IRS, I`m trying to hide it from the MRS.
Sรถ รฎ hรจรฃrd รฟรดu lรฌkรช gรนรฟลก with รกcรงeรฑts?
Let`s party like there`s no tomorrow and call in sick if there is one.
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
I don`t get why people find drunk text annoying
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
Sorry I can`t make it to your party tonight- I have to get up REALLY early tomorrow afternoon.
I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.