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How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
Still not 100% clear on whether French Montana is a person or a steakhouse special.
Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
On the bright side, I`m relieved we live in a society where we acknowledge that the people who make sandwiches are artists.
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
I`m not crazy, but I am a carrier.
What do people mean "get ready for bed"? I am ALWAYS ready for bed.
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
Being in hot water isn`t so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist