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Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
When she says she`s madly in love with you, concentrate more on the word madness.
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
I am a Mother hear me roar.....especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
If I`m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale