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Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
Now that football season is here, if anyone`s favorite team loses, they can just blame it on Trump.
My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.
Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
Is it just me or doesn`t anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?
I should come with a warning label.
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
One small step for man one giant step for a really small man
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.