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Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl`s whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
I order all my food with extra gluten.
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
is having one of those days where they feels like lighting someones face on fire and then trying to put it out with a fork
Some people think I say inappropriate things...I perfer to think of it as being f*cking honest.
My house is not a mess. It`s just that everything is on display for your viewing pleasure. Like a museum.
I’m not in denial, I’m just selective about the reality I choose to accept :)
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.
Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?