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I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
If you can´t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don´t know where you are.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion, I just have to run faster than you.
I bought a box of "SO CALLED" Hot Pockets --- brought them home, and opened one to eat it, and the Damned thing was FROZEN ----- Miis-Advertizing at it`s BEST!!! Now what do I do with the Damned thing???? :-P
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
Why non-smokers don`t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Wife: give me money I want to buy a bra. Husband: you`ve got nothing to put in them. Wife: you wear shorts
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes...
I`m not funny, I`m just really mean and people think I`m joking.
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
In "I am Legend" Will Smith lives alone for years. But then 24hrs after a woman shows up, he dies.....AND she stole his bacon
I`d say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed. ... just sayin! ;)