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Apparently getting injured while in the KISS Army doesn`t make you eligible for V.A. benefits.
My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude. Church is boring.
Music is best when it’s louder than I can think.
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we`re taking it slow now.
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty.