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Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
Own the day
I`m a passionate supporter of things that don`t inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
I have always been suspicious of Wendy`s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I believe in the silver rule of life: Do unto others then run!
“Be yourself” is the worst advice you can give to some people.
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys today. Also the single people with concerned relatives.
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.