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My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
Hey Samsung and Apple, no need for commercials. We’ve all chosen sides.
If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
The problem with trouble is that it always starts out as fun.
just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream
Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.
English = Hello. Spanish = Hola. French = Bonjour. Japanese = Konnichiwa. Chinese = Nî Hâo. Italian = Ciao. Me = Sup B*tches.
According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.
I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when other people talk.
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
I’m not implying you’re stupid. I’m saying it outright. Here, I wrote it in crayon to help you understand.
What did the crop say to the farmer? Stop picking on me
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.