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I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for the reaction.
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
If lemons hand you life, you’re probably dyslexic
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks