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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
How can I love nature when it did this to my hair?
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
Making mirrors look good, since 1972
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
If you´re cooler than me, doesnt that make me hotter than you?
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"......Idiots can`t spell...
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
I never drink unless I am alone or with somebody.