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I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don`t care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.
My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
It`s ok, ghosts, no-one believes in me either.
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
99.9% of lol’s are lies.
When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!