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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
I`ve always wondered how the job application process at Hooters works. Do they give you a bra and orange shorts and say, "Here, can you fill these both out"?
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
An apple a day is bullsh!t. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
Pro tip - You can blame anything on autocorrect.
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you’ve got them.
Nothing says lazy like laying on the couch making today`s responsibilities tomorrow`s problem.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.