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“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
I`d rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.
Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I`m assuming it`s Monday.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I`m not really interested
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I was suppose to do.
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !