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It`s nice to know I`m wanted....even if it`s only by the Police!
Here`s an idea...You go away and I`ll stop ignoring you.
Alright, I admit it. Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
FYI: Push-up bras don`t actually help you do more push-ups :(
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
I do 5 sit ups daily. It might not sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said "Good afternoon folks" they will let you take their order.
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn`t reach the toilet paper.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]