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My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
My favorite thing about working out is the part where I decide not to.
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.