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Omg!! got 6 numbers on the Lotto.. and the stupid machine didn´t pick any of them
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
They told me to never give up. Now they call me a stalker.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
lifes like a box of chocolates, never know whatcha gonna get (:
Whenever i see a facebook page Celebrate; "We have reached 200K fans". I just ask myself, do they know how many of those 200K died or left facebook or can`t remember their password after they liked the page?
Real friends show me their boobs
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that`s another weakness
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
A day without sunshine is like, you know... night
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.