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Vodka is just amazing water.
Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
After a while you just get used to people not understanding.
I hope you all have a prosperous New Year ... I may have to borrow money.
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
It`s not condescending if they`re stupid.
The problem with the world is intelligent people are full of doubts, while stupid people are full of confidence.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues