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When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
Beer is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
My Facebook weather forecast looks like I can expect 2 or 3 inches of drama tonight followed by a lot of bullsh!t blowing in from all directions in the morning.
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.
If our phones were really smart, they would tell us to get off of Facebook and do something meaningful or constructive with our lives.
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today