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Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
Did you hear about the Cannibal that "passed" his Uncle in the Jungle?...............
I hate it when chicks wear pink camo. I`m like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
I have a bad habit of laughing at inappropriate moments.
Lately I`ve been convinced that some people were born solely for purpose of eventually pissing me off...
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
I have an eating disorder; I`m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
My p@nis was in the Guiness Book of Records. Untill the librarian kicked me out
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
I feel like grabbing some random kid and screaming "I`m YOU from the future!"
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