Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
Are nap dates a thing? Because that`s something I can work with...
Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
Don`t ever forget.. I`m always here. A l w a y s. Scrolling. Judging. Judging. Scrolling. That`s right. I see everything.
I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.
I wish my GPA looked like the gas prices right now...
My door is always open. So please feel free to leave.
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them.
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee ... so I pulled over and fertilized your crops