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Actually, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is ... Just open the door and push her out.
Saw a midget go into a store while wearing a KKK outfit and thought... That`s a little racist.
Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
Laugh if you will but this night-light has an undefeated record at repelling Boogeymen.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
A leaf blower, but for people.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
You`d think my password was "yourmom" because the computer said it was too easy.
Iām planning on ringing the new year in with a kiss ... whether my dog likes it or not.
Money isn`t the key to happiness ... Wait a minute, I`ll just pay to have a key made.
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.