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Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My problem is that all food is comfort food
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
I am going to open "The Karma Cafe" There will be no menus though. You will get what you deserve!
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn`t even apply for the job.
When setting the table, does the remote go to the left or the right of the dinner plate?
I wan`t you to know that someone cares. not me, but someone.
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.
gone fishing ¸.·´¯`·.¸><((((º>
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.