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Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
I dare you to spit on this status.
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
You know what’s worse than slow internet? NOTHING.
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies then you’re going the right way.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant. Agree or nah??
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
I regret buying that straight jacket now. I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn`t pull it off...
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.
Have you ever loved someone so much, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping