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People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
Say no to drugs! Then again, if you`re talking to drugs, you`re probably already on drugs.
When someone tells me I`m going to hell, I`m like "yeah, duh, I work there part time as a tour guide!"
I had to go on two diets because one wasn`t giving me enough food.
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.