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How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
Never say "piece of cake!" to me. Unless there is, indeed, a piece of cake involved.
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss.
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
Theirye’re, problem solved.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
The thing I miss most about being young is knowing everything.
People who don`t understand sarcasm are awesome.
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
No, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.