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Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
K-Y should be called K-WHEN, because we already know why.
Basically the way it works is I tell myself I`m not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
"are you as bored as I am?" if you read that backwards, it still makes sense.
I used to think using big words meant you were smart, I was somewhat right but that was before I heard politicians speak.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
I wish more events in life involved dumping a cooler full of Gatorade on people.
Do people with cats not know about dogs?
Why can’t we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.