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I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
My favorite part of the day? The food part.
Either I need to up my dosage or my income.
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
once a homeless guy said to me `Hey you got a dollar` and I said `wow your absolutely right..with psychic powers like that I`m surprised your still homeless` got in my car and left..
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha Iām so sorry. No Iām not.
Pink camouflage: I`m like, where you hiding? Candyland?
A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.
Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?