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I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
"This is bullsh!t" - bull farmer giving barn tours
I don`t want to be bothered with stupid $h!t today. What is stupid $h!t? Anything I don`t want to be bothered with.
Tomorrow, history will be made. Months and months of advertisements and anticipation has led up to this historic day. America will see firsthand what is surely to be a historic event, and I am proud to say I will do my part and pick up my copy of Halo 4.
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
The whole purpose of vacationing is to make you appreciate knowing where the channels are at home.
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn`t say the decisions I made were good.
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth.
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly