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As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
I like my relationships like I like my eggs: over easy.
Its hotter than a three peckered billy goat!
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life!
OK I`ve stumbled out of bed and made it to the computer- and another Facebook day begins!
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
If you`re wondering why you`re single, date someone. You`ll remember
Things you need to know about me: 1- I`m lazy 2- hmm, one is enough
Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…
A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.
Life is all about tough decisions such as… Getting enough sleep or staying on the internet.
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!