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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
I FINALLY "friended" my girlfriend on Facebook.. You know.. So I could get updates on our relationship status.. :|
my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
you know why maths is unhappy? because it got so many problems.
I have two moods: sleep is for the weak and sleeping for a week.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
I can`t tell if I actually have free time, or if I`m just forgetting everything...
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.
Haters can hate all they want... they don`t affect my money.
Mouth the word " vacuum" to a stranger & see what happens.
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."