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I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
Nipples (noun) - the body`s way of telling you the weather
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
Bipolar smile :(: ...... Gets um everytime !
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
You know its going to be a b!tch of a day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
I never mix business with pleasure, ......unless i call an escort.
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn`t agree.
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?
I have an inferiority complex,,,,,, but it isn`t a very good one.