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Oh Mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey. Hey Hey Mickey!..face it you didn’t read that, you sang it.
I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
My car remote died. I had to insert my key into the lock like some kind of goddamn animal.
I think, therefore i`m single.
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
I don`t mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I`m home alone and my power goes out.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.
The problem with coffee is trying to make it when you haven`t had any yet.
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.