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I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
Just Failed my Health and Saftey Test.The question was,"What steps would u take,in case of a fire?!"Big f*cking ones"was the wrong answer.
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
I`m watching Godzilla tonight.... His parents asked me to babysit
YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME is not a good thing to say to your boss.
If I was antisocial I wouldn`t have just ordered a pizza over the phone.
Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with a piece of cardboard................PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!!
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.