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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Gym Update: Not there.
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
Today`s interpretive dance was brought to you by "Spider On My Shirt". Up next we have "Oh jeeze, where did it go?!"
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.
These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
"I want to be cuddled, but I want to be alone. Being crazy is hard." - WOMEN
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.