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Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday.
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
My therapist doesn`t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
I woke up feeling strange this morning...I felt Rested and Relaxed so I immediately Googled my symptoms. Turns out I had a `Sleep in` Apparently it`s not harmful but may be addictive. . .
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
You`re not the sharpest knife in my back.
Lazy Rule#15325434090371466: you`re so lazy you didn`t even finish reading the number.
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
If ghosts existed, why are they all apparently from the last 100 years or so? Wouldn’t there be evidence of a Neanderthal ghost here and there?