Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
"No comment" - said no woman, ever
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
I`ve taken my kids all over the country, but their favorite place to be is still "in the way."
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.
I`m sorry. Putting up with your sh!t isn`t on my To-Do list today.
If it`s alcoholic anonymous. Why do the members stand up an in-troduce them selves?
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"
I only have one word for women who look at me like Iām some kind of sex object ... Hi.
Stay Calm, take a breath, and reload.