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Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
Nothing like a brisk morning jog to start the day! Just kidding! I don`t do that.
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
I look so young for my rage.
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
That moment when you realize the object of #WeightWatchers is NOT see who can score the most points...
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
I embraced my inner child today and the lil` bastard bit me!
We live in a time where "He is hot" is more important than "He is a nice guy."
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so f**k it!