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I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
Facebook needs a "slap a b!tch button"
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
Don`t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I`ve changed since then.
Hooray ! My face book film has been nominated for an Academy Award
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
My room isn`t messy. I just prefer to have my favorite items on display.
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.
I’m in a rush to go home and do absolutely nothing.