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Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
Your personality needs alcohol.
People assume I’m smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
Chase you? ... B!tch please, I don`t even chase my liquor.
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I get so tired of the same old BS...can´t I get a little BS variety?
You know its going to be a b!tch of a day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I`m now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.