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Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
"Memory foam pillow fights". That`s one fight you`ll never forget.
It`s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I`ve never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
3 words, 8 letters, easy to say, hard to prove... ..."I`m a zebra."
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
hey single people..tomorrow is officially `rebound day` after all the ridiculously high romantic expectations end in `epic fail`
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
There`s no WE in pizza.
I`m just amazed after all these years that we STILL haven`t seen Mario`s buttcrack.