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It was love at first sight...I should have looked twice.
I bought a blowup doll today, but I won`t blow her up until tomorrow. I don`t want to seem desperate.
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Sometimes I post crazy shit just to see if my friend`s list will drop a few #`s
I know alcohol isn`t the answer, but it`s my best guess.
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for, all their in-laws were back in Europe.
It`s amazing how much us guys complain about women and then fully trust them with our pen!ses in their mouth.
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol