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I have something on my mind but I am not telling you, Facebook.
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
All the coffee beans in South America can`t make me a morning person.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Most problems can be solved with nudity.
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
Are you bored? Go to someone`s Facebook wall, Scroll down 4 months and like something.
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.