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Next time you think life`s not fair..think of this x large clothes cost $2 more than large so why doesn`t small cost $2 less ? Being fat ....now that`s unfair
Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that`s your problem right there....you should have never tried that.
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don`t know how to play chess.
I`d share my Netflix login but I`m too embarrassed by "My List".
I burn bridges to keep those crazy bastards from following me.
Remember before the internet when all the people at the video store knew you watched porn alone on Saturday mornings
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you`ve gone Commando a few times in your life.
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one