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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
Perhaps Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.
My car remote died. I had to insert my key into the lock like some kind of goddamn animal.
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you. Knees to Chest, bitch, KNEES TO CHEST!!
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
If Milli Vanilli were to fall in the woods, would someone else make a sound?
I always thought I looked like romeo, until I washed the picture off my mirror...