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Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
My favorite part of the day? The food part.
I just ended a long-term relationship today ... I’m ok though, it wasn’t mine.
Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven`t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
Women say they love a man in uniform but when i go clubbing in my McDonalds uniform none of them will talk to me....I`m confused
Lets not get carried away it`s not like McDonalds shutdown
Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me
There are days when everything goes perfectly. . I wonder what those are like?
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.
I refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good on TV.