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I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation.
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works for 24 hours 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
If you can`t handle me at my worst, then that sucks because that`s all there is to me.
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.