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Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.
Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
What if animals all speak a universal language, and we’re the odd ones out???
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
1st thing I do after great sex! Turn the alarm clock off.........
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."
Years of education, solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull.
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.