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I can alwasy tell when movies do not use real dinosaurs
Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
Wine: How classy people get trashed.
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
If you think your having a bad day ... You could be digging your own grave at gun point and find buried treasure.
If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared.
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
People like you are the reason people like me take pills.
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.