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As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?
If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
Some idiots actually sold their homes and properties thinking the world was really going to end! What losers. I hope my boss gives me my job back on Monday
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. Except for bodily functions...Hopefully you can control THEM. :/
God is creative... I mean look at me??
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
you know hes a keeper when you know his facebook login and password!
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?