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During the summer months, be sure to dress for the body you have. Not the body you want.
My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
Texting typos can change your life. "Having a great time wish you were her"
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
why hello there stalker! Enjoying my profile?(=
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
Girlfriend: You`re acting like a little kid. Me: What do mean, little kids can`t drink.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!