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What a rip-off. I picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions. It turned out to be a book on chess.
I`m 28 years old, but in marriage years, I`m dead on the inside.
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don`t have to hear what she`s talking about.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
Talk to me long enough and you`ll realize why I`m single.
There’s so many people I’d love to get the silent treatment from
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
I`m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I run a non-profit company. It`s not for a good cause or anything, I`m just not very good at business.
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"