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I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
the `real` me doesnt do facebook
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
First Rule of Camping: Put up the tent before you start drinking.
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
I`ve been told I`m doing exceedingly well in my exaggeration therapy class, I think it`s because I`ve been giving it 180 percent.
If she is still able to walk to the kitchen after s@x , you don`t deserve a sandwich.
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It`s a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."