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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
I like the part of the day when food happens.
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
Please don`t make me choose between you and porn.
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.
That moment of shame when an automatic door doesn`t open for you