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Late to bed and early to rise, makes me really tired and pissed off.
Can`t afford P90X or INSANITY workout videos? Go find a wasp nest and slap the sh!t out of it. Never knew I could shadow box,bicycle kick,and twirl while floating.
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
I`m not saying your opinion is stupid, I`m just saying you`re stupid for having it
Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
I feel like people who don`t have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.