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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I just gotta believe that as a species we`re capable of making an automatic hand dryer that`s quieter than an airplane.
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
if i get a friend request from you and your profile picture is a car i`ll asume your a transformer
Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn`t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.