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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics...So glad I found you all.
I wash once and dry 3-4 times, depending on how much I want to delay folding my clothes.
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
You call them French Fries…I call them Edible Ketchup Shovels.
Scratch and Sniff Here [____] …Smells like glass, doesn’t it
If my fridge had glass doors I would still stand there and hold the door open.
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
Most of my colleagues and friends can`t spell colleagues or friends.
I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"
I think Facebook now comes under the housework category.