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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
They say a woman’s work is never done. Maybe that’s why they get paid less.
Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
If I didn`t drink, then how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.