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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
If my psychiatrist said "There`s really nothing more I can do for you", that means I`m cured right??
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don`t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
I have no super powers. I`m guessing I`m the villain.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend.......who`s in with me?
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.