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Life is too short to be angry and hold grudges. Just slap them in the face and move on!
I have no words to describe this day. I do however have a number of obscene gestures that would work.
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
I feel it`s important for you to know, no matter what I`m faced with and when given the option, I am that guy who will send you a voice-mail marked confidential.
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
What idiot called it a driver`s test and not a Game of Cones?
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don`t mind it at all.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.