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Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
Sometimes I`m completely inconsiderate to other peoples feelings. And other times I`m asleep.
I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing
I only accept apologies in cash.
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.
I was jogging earlier and...LMAO, I`m sorry...I can`t start a status with such ridiculousness.
If anybody out there happens to have my voodoo doll, can u please scratch my balls. I happe to be in a public place at the moment.
I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.
love me or leave me,,HEY!!! where is everybody going?
I have good taste, I just don`t have the money to prove it.