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Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
It was love at first sight...I should have looked twice.
Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever Iām making important life decisions.
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
You need a high five, in the face, with a chair.
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
I have tons of friends! Well i only have one... but she ways a ton!
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I`m not used to consuming wine in pill form.
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
I just made my first snow angel!! ... Ok fine.. I got bored, got drunk and then passed out in the snow, whatever!