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Oh my gosh! It`s a Hot Wheels car! Something you never want to hear during a prostate exam.
Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone`s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Thinking of getting another kitchen table just for all my mail
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
If I`m in your house and you have bookshelves... Be prepared to see me turning statues and bending down books while looking for your lair.
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.