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My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I`d say that 6:30 is the best clock time, hands down.
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.”
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
I`m not a bitch, I just have a low bullsh!t tolerance.
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
It´s never to late to be happy
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!
They say money doesn`t bring you happiness.... I say....neither does being broke....