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I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
If you`re not procrastinating just a little, you`re not doing Saturday right.
If you don`t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn`t get your money`s worth.
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
It`s always quiet on here at the weekends, it`s like you people have lives or something...
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.