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Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
I`m so ghetto.... I had lights and water bill in my name before the age of 3..
Nothing like a brisk morning jog to start the day! Just kidding! I don`t do that.
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
Whenever I`m feeling down... I try to make sure my nails are clipped.
I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I`m watching.
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.