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Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
If you think your having a bad day ... You could be digging your own grave at gun point and find buried treasure.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
When I was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played Dad, well played.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great post and think, did I just run someone over?
You`d think my password was "yourmom" because the computer said it was too easy.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.
Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.