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Finger Prints on Super Bowl Trophy to be used in dozens of criminal investigations
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn`t 3 hours long.
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
I`m thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there`s this thing called Google now