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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
You can`t make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.
Urgh..I just dropped my phone, are you guys alright?
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can`t drive a bus.
I do 5 sit ups daily. It might not sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!!!!