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I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to take a shower.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Fun: text a friend "Are you alone right now?" They go "Yes." Then u text back LOL
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn`t have couches at this Best Buy.
I`m at the facebook saloon, drinking all night long
I`m painting a blue square in the backyard... so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.
No, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?