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There are no bad pictures. That`s just how your face looks sometimes.
Your family tree has a couple of coconuts
Nothing makes me want to leave a website more than a pop-up window saying, “Are you sure you want to leave this page?”
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
I`d say I`m not a morning person but I`m really not sure I`m an evening person either.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
Dear family, thank you for all those wonderful childhood memories ... Here`s my therapy bill.
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
You could pleasure me just by walking away.