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All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
Can Walmart be a feeling? I`m pretty sure that`s how I`m feeling today.
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
Raise the bar..? Like go and drink upstairs..?
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
We always say that our elders are wise, because of their years of experience. But you know what? ... Stupid people get old too.
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
Everything I know about women, I learned from the Wizard of Oz. For example: If a woman sees a pair of shoes she wants, she`ll drop a house on the bitch to get them.
If at first you don`t succeed then maybe you just suck.
I was thinking about jumping on the Patriot`s Fan bandwagon, but I am afraid that the tires would be deflated...
Browsing the internet when bored is like the virtual version of checking the refrigerator...
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.