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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I love a good nap. Sometimes it`s the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.
If Monday had a face... I`d punch it.
My friends are the type of friends that if my house was on fire, they would be over here with marshmallows and hitting on the hot fireman!
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
You`ve got to love yourself ... Just not in public places
I never mix business with pleasure, ......unless i call an escort.
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
There are no words to describe how I feel about you... Good thing God invented the middle finger.
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.
My dog is eating. I`m sitting next to her, staring intently at her, making her obviously uncomfortable. Yeah, how`s THAT feel, mutt?