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Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I hate it when teachers say, “You think it’s funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be laughing
Excessive consumption of alcohol seems like a good idea.
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
I believe in the silver rule of life: Do unto others then run!
Take time to reflect upon your day. Think of all the blessings you received, and everything you may be called to testify about :)))
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.