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A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
It would be a lot easier to drink the recommended 64oz of water a day if it was beer.
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
People who live in bouncy castles shouldn’t throw darts.
Some days should come with a warning label: This day is going to suck, bring alcohol.
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there`s only 36 shades of grey
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....