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I just had a conversation with my-self...but it just turned into an argument. I think it`s that time of the month...
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They`er so warm and cozy, and it`s fun to scan the laundromat and guess whose they are.
There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
The old saying "I wouldn`t wish this on my worst enemy"... Clearly you have forgotten why they are your worst enemy.
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
I found the key to happiness ... Stay away from a$$holes.
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.