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I downloaded this app called "Hide & Go Seek". Ever since then I cant find my damn phone.
It may look like I’m in deep thought, but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
I have this great midnight snack it`s called, what do I think my roommate won`t notice if I eat the edges off of
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
whoo hoo...I have new gutters. Please try and keep your mind out of them.
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.