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I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
my Dr. says i have ADHD, i dont know how they see.... oooooh a squirrel!
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
YouTube "This video is not available in your country". where the hell am I from? NARNIA?
Thanks for accepting my friend request on Facebook, even though is was solely so I could gain full access to your profile and judge your life choices.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.
To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.
It`s time to admit that as a species, we are just not ready for 4-way stops