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Have a day. That`s about as inspirational I get.
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
I decided I`m going to be poor... Its Cheaper :)
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
Wonder if Jesus gets screwed out of birthday presents just because his birthday is so close to Santas?
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
Let’s be the generation that stops putting things in our butts and having to go to the emergency room to get them taken out, shall we?
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.